I want to be fearless and brave and bold.
I’m also a chicken.
I want to be true and tell you all the things I think about
being free to be passionate and alive
But I’m also afraid I’ll hurt someone’s feelings,
That I’ll say something wrong,
That I’ll reflect badly on the people closest to me, even though my issues are my issues and I own that.
Let’s start with this:
My dad’s career was as a pastor. That shapes you a lot.
I’m also from Minnesota, a firstborn people-pleaser who has always played the role of mediator and peacekeeper.
That’s a two-fer, almost a trifecta.
I am way more steeped in evangelicalism than I ever realized as I was growing up.
I am also way more uncomfortable with it than I was growing up. Quite uncomfortable, actually.
That’s not easy to admit, because I understand the deep deep ties it creates, how someone’s entire world can be shaped by their evangelical worldview. To question that can appear as a crisis of faith.
Maybe it is.
It sure feels unsettling.
I also think there is room in my relationship with God for a wrestle-fest (“relationship with God” = evangelicalism <— see how that sneaks into stuff?).
There’s room for questions and ponderings and convictions and flying leaps from the top rope, cape flapping behind. I feel the wind rush past my face as I fly through the air, hoping to tackle God and wrastle Him to the mat so I can get some straight answers.
For now there’s only the whistling of the wind as I jump.
This has become a habit around here. Every Friday I try to link up with Lisa-jo Baker’s Five Minute Friday. She offers a word prompt, people write for five minutes flat, then link their posts to her site, and the virtual potluck begins. It is open to anyone who wants to be a part of it. Here’s the link: http://lisajobaker.com Check it out!